Aaron, no luck with the reverse suggestion, it continues to trigger the lights. The troubleshooting you did for yours is nothing short of epic, congrats.
SSteve, I think you're onto something. While the steering wheel is generally straight, both front tires seem out of true. One has a slight off-center angle (+/- 5 degrees), while the other one (the one with the new axl/CV) almost seems to protrude from the wheel well too much - almost as if there were spacers on the hub. The tracking rod ends (tie-rods over here) adjustment nut is very much frozen, so I may skip straight to an alignment shop.