2011 HSE ton of codes and rough/loud engine

I live in New Orleans and haven't found a single shop that will work on my car. I don't have the acumen or space to do anything myself. But at this point, I'd like to know how bad it is. So far, I have just been given the codes and told "something is going on" - everything from warped head, something with valves, timing chain. All I know is that it was running fine before I took it to the dealership for 75k service, then suddenly it sounded like a diesel engine. All of the fluid levels are good. Regular oil changes. No smoke.

I love this car and don't want to get rid of it. I'm okay with putting some money into it rather than trying to sell it as is or getting basically nothing for a trade, but if that's a dumb thing to do with all of this going on... fine.

Here is the list of codes:
P0300
P0305
P0306
P0028
P0027
P003C
P0607

And a video of the engine noise: https://youtu.be/dc5_JqabPy8

The misfire codes came first, then exhaust, then the camshaft(?) code. Not sure when the P0607 first showed up. It's been cleared and run by 3 different shops now.

No one can even tell me where to start. I'd appreciate any advice (even if it's "run for the hills") or if you know anyone in Louisiana or Mississippi that can possibly help.